there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
