Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
