It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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