guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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