4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
