I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
