She is in my trunk
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
