i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have peed in a lot of sinks
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
