I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
