just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
