Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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