I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
