My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize