Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
