Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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