No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
