I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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