smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
