two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
