I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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