The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize