My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
