She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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