Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
