I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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