I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
