I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize