Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize