Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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