Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
