his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
