hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
