this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
