it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You ruined the universe
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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