someone threw a dead crab at me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
