She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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