Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
