Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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