You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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