there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
