Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
