phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
