I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
