I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
