It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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