Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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