I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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