Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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