Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
