Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
zippers are such a cool invention
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
