went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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