I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
