There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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