Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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