How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Screwed.edu
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
