When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
