When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
