mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
