I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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